Mistletoe misery

This Christmas was the worst one EVER!

I went over to Daniel's on Christmas morning to give him his present and found that my evil cousin Justine had beaten me to it and was only KISSING HIM UNDER THE MISTLETOE!

Can you believe it!

I phoned Arlette but she was all: `Let him who is without sin cast the first stone, Madge.'
`Yeah, great help, Arl - going all God-Squad on me. Christmas is hardly the time to be catching your family's relgious bug.'
`I'm not going religious on you, it's just that I seem to remember you kissing Chad Albright when you were supposed to be Daniel's girlfriend.'
Religious freak and amazing memory woman! So not the sort of friend I need in a crisis.
`Aaa-aarl!' I yelled in indignation. `That was different - a) Chad Albright and I didn't have a history b) he wasn't Daniel's cousin and c) it was for charity!'

The cheek of Arlette! In terms of mistletoe snogfest, I am a totally sin free zone so I have every right to throw stones, hurl boulders in fact breathe fire and brimstone if I want to. In stead I just cried. I shut myself in my room all day and wouldn't even let Belinda bring me up some nut roast.

Of course my treacherous (ex) boyfriend tried to deny it. `It was nothing,' he shouted through my French window. `I put the mistletoe up there for you, Magenta. Justine just jumped me. Please speak to me - I love you.'

Justine didn't even say sorry. She just shrugged and said, `Nobody forced Daniel to kiss me. OK, so I might have taken the initiative but, hey - he didn't have to respond.'

Ggggrrr! I hate them both. And Justine's family are staying right through to New Year! This is even worse than the year I got chickenpox and was sick all Christmas Day.

P.S.

Except my boyfriend!

Daniel and Justine only went ice skating together and left me at home helping Gran, Belinda and Auntie Heather to peel sprouts and make stuffing.

Can you believe it? I am sooooooooooo angry with him I don't want to speak to him and if he thinks I'm going to make a drawing for him for his present, then he can think again!

What a horrible Christmas I'm going to have - and it's all thanks to Daniel!

Stuffed like a Christmas Turkey

Oh my God! I can't believe that Daniel can be so insensitive.

My cousins from hell have descended on us for the "festive" season. Festive? Ha! There'll be about as much festivity in our house as there would be in the fattening-up shed of a turkey farm with Auntie Heather around. Even on a good day, she looks like she's been sucking lemons and she never has good days when I'm within screaming range. She hates me. Mind you, the feeling it totally mutual.

So anyway, the Addams Family arrived in their four wheel drive gas guzzler - talk about the circus coming to town! And, even though Daniel and I had arranged to go ice skating today on the rink next to the massive Christmas tree in the middle of town, Daniel's only gone and invited my freak-face cousin Justine along too.

I mean, it would be bad enough if it was just your normal insensitivity about inviting a gooseberry to a romantic couples' thing, but add to that the whole history of Daniel and Justine and he might as well have poked me in the eye with a red hot poker and stuck a thousand pins in me.

`What?' he said, like he was appealing to the ref. `I just thought it would be a nice gesture. Peace on Earth and good will to all men and everything.'
`And what about good will to all girlfriends?' I countered.
`I show you good will the whole of the rest of the year. Justine's miles from home and doesn't know anyone round here. I just thought it would be nice.'
Ah ha! So he wanted to be nice to her did he? I knew there was more to this than meets the eye.
`Are you interested in her again?' I challenged.
`Oh jeeeeeeez!' He thumped his wall. `What is it with you?'
`Ok, ok - so you're not interested in Justine...'
`You know what, Magenta? I've had enough of this stupid jealousy thing you've got going on with your cousin. Let's leave the ice skating. I need some space.'
Jealous? Me? How could he even think such a thing? I mean what on earth has Justine got that I could possibly be jealous of?

School's out for Crimbo!

Yay! We broke up at lunchtime.

On the way home, I said to Daniel, `Just think - two whole weeks without the great pink blob stalking me all round the quad trying to catch me out; two whole weeks without the stress of having to think up excuses for not doing my homework; two whole weeks without the threat of detention being held over me; two whole....'

And then he went and spoilt it all. `Well, we do still have to revise for the exams in January.' What is it with Daniel and the whole doom and gloom thing? `And we will still have to go to Mr Dumbarton.' Aka The Dung Beetle - a private tutor who's so old I think kids still used chalk and slates when he started teaching. `And there's that maths investigation...'

`Ok, Ok, Daniel McScrooge!' Honestly! Talk about let's-kill-any-last-remnants-of-festive-spirit.

`Bah humbug!' he laughed. He pulled out a disgusting brown and black striped sweet and pushed it into my mouth. `Happy holidays.' Then he kissed me - with a mouthful of humbug and everything.

But, I have to admit, it was gorgeous, so I'll let him off and kissed him back. Oooooo! This is going to be the best Christmas ever.

Christmas Party Blooper

Last night was the school Christmas party and it was reeeeeeeeaaally nice to be escorted there by my boyfriend!!!! Oooo how sophisticated does that sound?

Instead of being lined up with the usual cattle market hopefuls eyeing up the (dubious) talent, I walked in on the arm of Daniel - well, not really on the arm - that wouldn't just be mature, that would be geriatric. I mean, it's one thing to link arms with your girlfriends, but not your bloke. Right?

So, anyway, the first slight problem was Janet Dinbner, snotting for Britain in the corner, surrounded by Arl and Seema and few other tissue-carriers.
Seema was all: `Madge! What did you tell Janet to do that for?'
Huh? I hadn't spoken to her (well not really) since she phoned me at the weekend to ask what to do about her cheating boyfriend. `Why is it always my fault?' I protested.
`Because you told her to impersonate a doormat and do whatever it took to keep her man!' And her point? `Now he's dumped her for being pathetically needy!'
`Er - correct me if I'm wrong here, but hasn't Janet been needy since Year 7? I mean, come on, I'm only as good as the material I have to work with. Anyway, she's better off without him.'
`Of course she is, but how much better would she feel if she'd been the dumper, and not the dumpee?'
Good point - I hadn't really seen it that way.

Anyway, I left them to their mopping up operations and went off to dance with Daniel. Oooooo, he is soooooo gorgeous when he dances. But then - disaster! As I'd been getting ready, I'd been a bit too enthusiastic with my tights and pushed my toe right through then end, so I'd had to wear a pair of hold-ups. (You can see where I'm going with this, can't you?)
There I was, getting all up close and personal with Daniel when there was a distinct slackening sensation round the top of my right leg. Uh oh! My hold-ups had decided not to hold up any longer.
I slid my hand down onto my thigh, like one of those cool R&B dancers, and tried to clamp it on to the elastic bit to hold it in place. But then the same thing started happening on my left leg. Aaaaaagh! So now I had both hands on my thighs - and was pracing around on the dance floor like some second rate gun-slinger ready to draw.
`I just need to go to the loo,' I shouted over the music to Daniel.
I thought if I could make it to the girls' toilets, at least I could dump the stupid hold ups and enjoy the rest of the party.
But, as I turned to walk away, Daniel said, `Oh I love this one. Just hang on till the end of this record.'
And he grabbed my hands to pull me back.
Oh no! There I was in the middle of the hall, with my hold ups wrinkled round my ankles like some sad Nora Batty look-alike with everyone laughing at me. How embarrassing is that?

I hate Daniel!

My best friend and I hate her!

I am never speaking to Seema again!

She tries to be all mature and prentends that she's sooooooo cool and sophisticated but really she just wriggles out of things and dumps the blame like the rest of the low life in this school.

When I confronted her at lunchtime, she was all, `I did not tell Janet Dibner that you were a total loser in the boyfriend stakes! I simply said that she might be better off speaking to someone who had actual experience of being cheated on. She was the one who decided to ring you.'
See what I mean? Blaming poor Janet, after everything she's been through lately.
I was furious. `Why would she do that if you hadn't put the idea in her head in the first place?'
`Errr..... think about it, Madge! Your track record doesn't exactly qualify you for Relationship Guru of the Year, does it?'
What! And she thinks that's how best friends treat each other? `I just hope you've got an oxygen cylinder,' I snapped.
`Meaning?'
`Meaning; perched up there on your high horse, I'm surprised you don't need breathing apparatus!'
`Oh, you're so childish, Magenta.'

Me childish? Ha! `Mi-mi mi-mi mi-mi mi-mi,' I said, then turned to Arlette. `Come on, Arl. Let's go and get some lunch.'

But then Arlette did the dirty on me too. `Sorry, Madge, but Seema and I have already arranged to go to the library at lunchtime.'

What a traitor!

I was just about to go into the dining hall on my own, when Janet Dibner came round the corner. Uh oh! I needed to make a hasty exit, but I was too late.
`Hi, Magenta. Thanks for your advice at the weekend. D'you want to sit together for lunch?'

Aaaaagggh! Speaking to Janet on the phone is one thing, but sitting with her for lunch is total social suicide.
`Sorry, Janet, but I've arranged to go to the library with Seema and Arlette.' I did a swift one eighty. `Hey, Arl, Seema - wait up....'

Agony Aunt Madge!

You will never guess who rang me up yesterday..... Janet Dibner! That's right, the total (and I mean TOTAL) geek of our tutor group.
Don't get me wrong, Janet's OK, she's quite brainy and stuff like that, but in terms of coolness, she is practically tropical! Her hair's always scraped back in an alice band - and I don't mean a fab, jewelled one with sparkles and stuff on it, I mean one of those old lady type things made of that gross stretchy stuff, and she never wears make up - not even a bit of lippy. Plus, her clothes look like her mum's knitted them from a 1950s knitting pattern. So it's really not good for my image to be seen hanging with her.

Anyway - yesterday we were still off school because the boilers aren't fixed, and I was round at Daniel's (this time without his merry band of lame mates, thank goodness!) when this strange number came up on my phone and it was Janet! Talk about step back in amazement.

It turns out she wanted my advice. (Didn't I tell you she was brainy?) She said, `I hope you don't mind me ringing you, Magenta, but Seema gave me your number.' (Ggggrr - I'm sure that contravenes the European laws of private information protection or something. I shall speak to Seema later.) `I don't know what to do...' She was crying by this time. `...I think my boyfriend's two timing me.'

Boyfriend? Janet Dibner? Really? Normally, if someone thinks their boyfriend's cheating, I'd tell them to dump the skunk but, let's be honest here, Janet can't afford to start dumping people.

So, after I'd listened to her snotting for about ten minutes, I told her, `You need to phone him up and tell him that you really like him and ask him what it would take from you for him to bin the other girl.'
`Really?' she said, perking up a bit.
`Absolutely.'
`You don't think I should ditch him?'
`Not unless you want to be a singleton for ever,' I reassured her. `Relationships are about compromise and your part of the compromise is to do whatever it takes.'
`But I don't want to look needy,' she said.

A bit late for that, I thought - although I didn't say it out loud.

Afterwards she was really grateful and I felt proud that I'd been able to help. It gave me such a warm and fuzzy feeling to think that I'd been able to offer someone advice and make their life a little bit better.
`Thanks so much, Magenta, ' she said at the end. `I must admit, I did ring Seema first, but she said she'd never been two-timed so wouldn't be able to empathise with me. She said you'd have a better understanding because it happens to you all the time.'

Did she now? And to think, I thought Seema was my best friend - not any more! Gggrrrr!

Good news/bad news

Do you want the good news, the very good news, or the foot-stampingly, door slammingly, throw a total wobbly, bad news?

Well, the good news is.... Mr Yeboa was only away yesterday! Which meant that we didn't have a maths test after all! Yay! So all those saddos who did lots of revision just wasted their time. See, didn't I tell Daniel that he was being unsupportive by encouraging me to waste my break?

And the even better, mind-blowingly, totally brilliant news is that today, THE SCHOOL'S SHUT! Oh yes, there is a God! When Daniel and I got to the gates this morning, Mr Onanija was standing there turning people away because the boiler had blown up. And it's about minus ten degrees. How fantastic is that?

Daniel was all, `So do you want to come round to mine later and we can do something together?'

Did I? The frost's made everything really pretty so I was thinking what I'd like to do would be to go for a nice romantic walk in the woods together. And we can pretend we're in that video singing `Walking in a winter wonderland.' Oooooo, Daniel is so sweet and romantic like that.

Or so I thought! After I'd changed out of my uniform, I went over the balcony to his, but he was only sitting on his bed playing some stupid chase-'em-round-the-streets-of-Speedville game on the Playstation - with his entire posse! Can you believe it?

Magnus and his evil twin, Angus, just gave me a, `Hi Magenta' and carried on playing, but Spud almost fell off the bed with the weight of his drool when I came in. Gross! And to think I actually went out with him - yuk. I think I must've been seriously deranged.

`Can I have a word, please, Daniel?' I said.
`Sure, just let me wipe the floor with these losers,' he said, carrying on playing. `You can come and join us if you want.'
`I thought you said we could do something together today?' I was trying very hard not to sound upset.
`We can,' he said. `Grab a remote and you can play the winner of the next game.'

Ggggrrr! And that's when the foot stamping and door slamming and throwing a total wobbly took place.
So now, I'm stuck here all on my own because all my mates have made other plans. Honestly - boys! They're so selfish!

Wwaaaagh! Why didn't someone remind me we had a maths test this morning? Honestly, they call themselves my friends, but where are they when I need them?

Seema was all, `I thought you wrote it in your journal.'

Yeah, right! My journal is reserved for far more important things: like recording which excuses I've used for which teachers.
E.g.
Wednesday:
Mr Marlowe, English - the dog ate my homework.
Ms Winterbottom (I mean, get real - what sort of a name is that for a self respecting teacher?) Textiles - my stepmother went into premature labour (again!) and I had to assist so didn't have time to find the fabric samples for my work.
Mr Mukerjee - Science - a huge bird flew down and snatched my homework sheet out of my hand as I was on my way to school. (That's one I was particularly proud of as I thought there was a certain irony to it - the homework had been Biology on genetics!)

And the journal is all cross referenced, so that I can quickly locate the last date, time, and subject I used any particular excuse. (And Mrs Blobby has the cheek to say I'm not an organised person!) The problem is, I've used them all on Mr Yeboa already, so I'm going to have to come up with something original for why I haven't done any revision for today's test.

At break Daniel said, `Instead of wasting time trying to think up an excuse, why don't you spend the time revising?'
Durrr! Who fast-tracked him into adulthood? He can be soooooo unsupportive sometimes.

Honestly! Daniel is such a know-all sometimes. He came round last night and I was showing him how fantastically organised I've been with buying pressies for Christmas.

`OK,' I said. `Feel free to faint at my superb organisational skills. Ta da!' Expecting him to step back in amazement.
But he picked up Belinda's smellies, examined the box like some master spy checking for fingerprints, then said, `You do realise that these soaps and bath things have been tested on animals don't you?'
What!
`Give it to me,' I said, snatching it back from him. `Where does it say that?'
`It doesn't - that's the point. If they hadn't been tested on animals, it would say so -and it doesn't. It's about putting two and two together. There's no way you can give Belinda that.'
`OK, Einstein!'

Maybe I was a tad snappy with him, but it's not only my stepmother who'll freak - I don't exactly go a bundle on poor little bunnies having bubble bath squirted in their eyes either.
What a dilemma! There's only two more Saturdays till Christmas - which means only two more pocket money days - and I haven't even bought the jeans I wanted yet, let alone Seema and Arlette's nail polish. Now I've got to fork out even more money to get Belinda something different!

`It's not a problem,' Daniel smiled. `Next Saturday, after we've been to the tutor's, I'll go back to the shop with you and exchange it. How's that?' And then he put his arms round my waist and pulled me towards him. Oh boy! He started kissing me in this totally tummy tingling way. Wow! Am I the luckiest girl alive, or what?

So, Arl and I are out Christmas shopping, right? Well, when I say Christmas shopping, I mean shopping for clothes and important stuff like shoes and hair accessories for Christmas.

Arlette was all; `You're so mean, Madge. Aren't you buying presents for your family?' Cheek! Just 'cos she was heaped up with more bags than Santa. And a minor detail she seems to have overlooked, is that I am sooooooo organised that everyone in my family is already sorted. I've got:

Dad - socks
Belinda - smellies
Gran - some Baileys liqueur chocolates
And Seema and Arl want this fantastic nail polish, which I can get any time.

So that just leave Daniel and he's easy - I mean, I'll probably draw him a picture or something to stick on his wall - he loves that type of thing. And, it's so personalised!

Anyway, we stopped off at the Filling Station for a drink and a sandwich and they had these really cute snowmen made out of meringue with cream in the middle. OK - I know they're meant for little kids, but hey -I'm comfortable acknowledging my inner child - and, like I said, they were really cute.


Anyway, we'd just sat down when I felt this sneeze coming on. You know how it is - a tickle at the top of your nostril, just itching to be let loose. Oh no. I was rummaging around in my pockets looking for a tissue but just coming up with bus tickets and hair elastics, so Arl said, `Use the paper napkin.' And she pointed at the plate with the meringue snowman on it.
But just then, the door opened and who should walk in but Tyrone Pearman - holding hands with Anthea Pritchard! Can you believe it?

`A...a...a...' I was staring at them (a teensy bit shocked, if I'm being honest) and reached out for the napkin from my plate. `...aaaa...chooooooooo!'
But in my horror at seeing Tyrone with the Pritch, I hadn't grabbed the napkin at all- I'd only gone and grabbed the meringue snowman instead - and sneezed into it! Eeewwww! There was meringue and snot and cream all over the plate and the table and my drink. It had even splattered Arlette, not to mention being all down my brand new jumper!
Anthea Pritchard had this grin on her face. `New look, Magenta? Cool!' she smirked.
Ggggrrrr! I hate her.

Magenta Orange

Oh my God! You will never guess what happened today.... Tyrone Pearman only smiled at me on the way into assembly!

Ok, ok - I know what you're thinking - I'm supposed to be going out with Daniel. But let's face it:

1) Daniel is sooooo caught up in all his stupid course work at the moment I might as well not even exist,

and

2) Nothing actually happened. I mean, a girl can look, can't she? (And, believe me, Tyrone Pearman is very nice to look at.)



But then, Mr Crusham (aka The Crusher) was on the stage reading out the list of merits for this week - which is another word for the Geek Parade - when Tyrone was only up there with all the boffins. I know Daniel's a bit of a brainiac, and we've been going out (on and off) for, like, forever - but I didn't realise that Tyrone was cranially endowed too. What's happening to me? If I'm not careful, I'll be getting straight As in my exams. Now there's a scary thought.