A spot of facial bother.

Wow! Things are certainly looking up in my life.

a) Daniel appears to have grown out of his selfish streak and is being the most gorgeous boyfriend EVER!
b) The bruising and swelling has gone down round my eyes and the stitches are out of my lip, so that I can now kiss the most gorgeous boyfriend ever - lots!
c) Belinda took me to this doctor guy who is also an optometrist or something - it was some weird name that sounded like he was going to amputate my eyes - but he didn't! In fact, he prescribed me some soft lenses so that I only have to wear my Ugly Betty glasses in extreme emergencies.
Which means that:
d) I am now a brace-free, glasses-free zone. All I need now is someone to permanently straighten my hair and I'll be like Mary Poppins - practically perfect.

Daniel was so sweet - when I told him that he said to me: `I think you're perfect anyway.' I mean how fabulous is that? Am I the luckiest girl in the world or what?

Of course there's been the minor tragedy of my exam results. I know you're probably thinking that I must've failed them all - but it was even worse than that - I passed! With flying colours - well grades B and C anyway. But that means that Dad won't let me stop going to my tutor. You'd have thought he'd have seen what a good job I've been doing at learning and let me off, but ooooooh no! He says I've got to keep going because he wants to see some As in there by the summer. Yeah right! I think Belinda must have been putting the funny honey in his porridge, because the chances of me getting an A in anything, are about as likely as Dad becoming president of the Women's Institute in Japan!

Anyway, apart from the minor detail of still having to go to the Dungbeetle every Saturday, things are pretty good at the moment.

Uh oh! What's that I can see in the mirror? OMG! I don't believe it. It can't be. Not after I've just got rid of all the other facial rubbish that was spoiling my natural beauty. I've got a zit - and it's the size of Vesuvius! Right on the end of my nose. And there's another on my chin. And a couple on my forehead. In fact there's a whole rash of them up there. How come I've never noticed them before? I'm going to end up looking like Spud! Waaaaagh! This is soooooooooo unfair.

Worst week ever!

OMG! Didn't I tell you I was getting pity chat-ups? Well it's true and yesterday lunchtime my life was going from rock bottom to twenty thousand feet below ground!


a) I was having to walk around school looking like an advert for Specsavers

b) We'd had exams ALL WEEK!

c) Dad had said that I had to keep going to my tutor on Saturday even though I'd been suffering extreme trauma all week with the exams and everything

and,

d) Marc Briggs is a total toad! (With apologies to all amphibians out there!)

As if I wasn't under uber stress all ready, I was in the quad at lunchtime yesterday when Marc came up and he was saying all these fantastic things to me like, how gorgeous I looked and how my new glasses really suited me and made me look really hot.
Seema and Arlette were winking at me and giving me the nod, as if to say, go for it.
Then Marc said, `I never thought I'd say this but, somehow your glasses emphasise your lips; they make them look even more kissable than normal.'

I was, like: WOW! I mean, no one has EVER said that to me before - except Daniel of course, but he doesn't count, because..... well, he just doesn't.

Arl gave me a nudge, so I thought, why not? What have I got to lose? (Ha! If only I'd known - there was my dignity for a start! ) Anyway, I jumped up and said, `You wanna try them out?' And I snogged him! Right there and then, in the quad, at lunchtime, in front of everyone.

But, ohmigod! I could hardly believe what I was hearing next. There was all this cheering and shouting coming from the other side of the quad. Then Tyrone Pearman shouted out; `Fair do's Briggsy - you win; that's a fiver I owe you!'

Can you believe it? He'd only done it for a bet! How horrible is that! I wanted to dig a big hole in the concrete and curl up and die right there in the quad. Instead, I pushed him away and ran towards the sports hall. I just needed to take cover and hide my utter and complete humiliation.

Only, just as I was going to push the swing door inwards, Daniel was coming out and pushed it towards me - right into my face! OOOOOWWWWW! It felt like my nose had exploded.
`Daniel! What the hell do you think you're ...!' I started to shout at him. But then I got this disgusting warm sickly taste in my mouth. Aaaggghh! and then I realised, my nose had exploded - all over me.
`Oh jeez, Magenta - I'm so sorry!' Daniel said, pinching the bridge of my nose and holding my head forward so that the blood that was pouring out of me didn't splash my uniform. Actually, he was very gentle - you can tell he's a trained first-aider. `Let's get you to the medical room,' he said. `I think you might need an X-ray.' Then he bent down and picked up something from the floor. `Oh, no - I think your glasses are broken.'
`Gr...ea...t,' I spluttered. `That's...the best.... bit...of news... I've heard... all week.'

Anyway, I went to A&E but my nose isn't broken - it's just badly bruised - along with my pride and my eyes -again! They'd only just gone down after the unfortunate trampoline episode. At this rate Bejing Zoo will be wanting me on permanent loan for their panda enclosure.

But, on the positive side:
1) Dad has said that he'll look into me having soft lenses (yay!) but he's said defo no to laser eye surgery (boo!)
2) I got to miss the Science exam on Friday afternoon (yay) but I have to take it on my own next week (boo!)
3) Dad has said I can have today off from going to my tutor (yay!) but I have to do supervised revision at home instead (boo!)
and, best of all:
4) Daniel and I are back on again (yay! And double yay!)

He was so sweet after the whole exploding nose thing - I think he felt a teensy little bit guilty - but I didn't mind. He bought me some chocolates and a CD and he kept coming round all last night to check on me. Then, first thing this morning, he came over the balcony and sat on my bed. He took my hands in his and, I must admit, I did go all jelly-wobbles inside.

He looked me straight in the eye (well, I think he did; it's a bit difficult to see properly at the moment.) `You know, Magenta, I think you are the most beautiful girl in the world - and I don't care if you've got two black eyes or if you wear glasses or braces or have to dress up like the Man in the Iron Mask.' Wow - how amazing is that? And I know he wasn't saying it for a bet, because there was only the two of us there. `And,' he went on, `if you'd agree to be my girlfriend again, I'd love to kiss you - when you're all healed up, obviously.'

So, life has finally started to look up again. Oooooo, I can't wait till I get the stitches out of my lip!

Ugly Betty

I hate them, I hate them, I HATE THEM!


I look horrible. And I had to go to school today in them. Of course I'm talking about my glasses.


Just when things were starting to go right for me and I'd got my braces off, this has to happen. It's so unfair. Honestly, when God was designing humans, eyes were one HUGE design fault. I mean, how can they start wearing out so early? Everything else works!


Personally, I blame Belinda. She was all; `I had to wear glasses at your age, Magenta, and now I wear lenses.' See - I've inherited the ugly-Betty gene from my stepmother. Then she tried to make me feel better. `I think you look very sophisticated and intellectual in them.'


Aaaaaaaaaagggggghhh! I already AM sophisticated! And who wants to look intellectual? Looking intellectual is about as sexy as a bowl of porridge!


Seema was trying to be all supportive. `Wow, they look really cool, Madge.'

Ha! Says Ms I'm-perfect-in-every-way-as-well-as-being-brilliant-and-multitalented, in fact, Ms I-have-no-flaws-whatsoever!


At break people were talking to me in that tone of voice usually reserved for the terminally hideous. Even Marc Briggs came over to me and was going on about how buff I looked. Great, now all I get now are pitychat-ups.

My life is over!

Two days!



That was all I had of being a normal, non-scaffold-mouth, teenager before.....oh my God, I can't even say it. It's tooooooooooo awful.



How am I ever supposed to get a boyfriend (and don't even go there with the whole well you had Daniel stuff, because if you're even thinking that, you need to read my books to see the whole history and how I'm better off without him.)



Anyway, as I was saying, how am I ever supposed to get a boyfriend when I am destined to be a permanent freak? I had my braces removed on Tuesday and on Wednesday pigged out on these Devonshire clotted cream fudges that Belinda's auntie sent us for Christmas. I mean with braces on they were a total no-no but now that I'm a brace-free zone, I was all `bring it on!' And talk about delish! I had about four pieces! I was going round smiling at everyone - Ok, so I know I'm still a bit battered and bruised around the eyes and mouth from the unfortunate trampoline incident, but (and I don't mean to sound conceited) I was getting one or two promising smiles back - especially from boys.



Then yesterday in science, Mr Mukerjee was writing on the board and it was all out of focus. The boards in the Science block are pretty rubbish because the pens don't work most of the time and you only get half the writing up there and have to guess at the rest of it, so I didn't think anything of it. Except when I went for end of day registration, there was a letter for Dad - saying that my busy-body science teacher had concerns for my eyesight - cheek!

So Belinda took me to see Mr Gentry in the High Street and he says I'm short-sighted. And apparently, I'm not allowed lenses yet! This is my worst nightmare
I'VE GOT TO HAVE GLASSES!

I can't believe it. I've gone from a metal-mouth to a four-eyes in two days. My friends are ringing up and saying; `Glasses are sexy' (Yeah, right - say those who don't wear them!) and `Harry Potter's really cool and he wears glasses' (Durr! Harry Potter's in a BOOK!) and `Boys always make passses at girls who wear glasses.' (Er - slight alteration of never to always, I think!)

Daniel was knocking on my French window but I wouldn't answer.

My life just isn't worth living any more! Think I need some more fudge.

On the good side...

OK, so all the boys in my tutor group are telling me that my face looks like I've gone ten rounds with Ricky Hatton. Like I'd know he is! I'm assuming he must be some boxer or something but I am soooooooo anti-blood sports - which means, come to think of it, that trampolining needs to be added to my list of physical activities to be avoided.

As a rsult of my unfortunate (and mortifyingly humiliating) encounter with the aforementioned health and safety death-trap, I've got two black eyes, a sprained wrist and my mouth looks as though I've been snogging a barbed wire fence! It's worse than when Spud and I got lip-locked at the Youth Centre Hallowe'en party.

But, on the good side - Mrs Monroe (my unfriendly, neighbourhood sadist - aka my orthodontist) says that my braces can come off! Yay! Mind you the springs of the trampoline managed to knock half of the rail-tracks off anyway, but imagine that - after eighteen months of mouth-al torture, I'll be free to eat and drink all sorts of fabulous stuff again.

You see, every cloud really does have a silver lining - or in my case a metal lining.

I think I might have to give up on the whole Tyrone Pearman thing though - he was not nice at all when I was stuck in the trampoline. On the other hand, Marc Briggs was really sweet to me - and there was sparkage - defo! I'll give my face a couple of weeks to go down and then I'll give Marc a call. Ooooooo I can't wait.

Trampoline trauma

Did I choose PE as one of my options? No!
Did I ever show any interest in PE? No!
So why am I STILL expected to do it?

The Rhino (aka Miss Crumm, our rhinoceros of a PE teacher) announced that it was too cold to go outside (which must be a first since I've been at our school, but I wasn't arguing) and we were all `Yay! Let's play hangman, like we used to in Year 7! Hangman! Hangman!' Hangman!' But the great grey mass decreed that we would double up with the boys in the gym instead!

Now, although that sounds like a cool idea - have you ever seen our school's PE knickers? I mean gross isn't the word - even my gran doesn't wear things that big. They look like something you'd wrap a baby elephant in - and some! At least when we go outside we can wear tracksuits so that the boys can't see us in our belly-warmers. Actually, they're not even belly-warmers - they're more like boob-to-knee-warmers!

So the idea of going into the gym with the boys looking about as sexy as a sack of spuds was not my idea of fun. Even worse, we're timetabled with the Options group E, which includes: Daniel, Magnus, Spud - and Tyrone Pearman! Could my day get any worse?

Well, yes, actually, it could! Because when Mr Snowdon was demonstrating the front drop on the trampoline, Spud was getting very excited at the prospect of spotting for me - so excited, in fact, that he almost completely destroyed the padding round the end where he was standing. He'd managed to pick off half the vinyl and a significant part of the foam too so that all the springs were showing.

Anyway, it was my turn and, I must admit, I wasn't a hundred per cent on board with the whole front drop thing. It looked a bit painful if you asked me, but I thought working with Mr Snowdon was a gazillion times better than doing badminton with the Rhino. So, there I was, going amazingly high. In fact, I could see where the shuttlecock had got lodged in the light fitting, I was so high. Then I did just what Mr Snowdon had said; I put my hands in front of my boobs with my elbows out to the side and lifted my legs.

Easy peasy lemon squeezy - I don't know what I'd been so worried about. Until...
`Tyrone Pearman! Get down from there!' the Rhino boomed.

I looked over to see that Tyrone had climbed up the wall bars and was standing astride the top one, preparing to leap across to the ropes. Wow - he looked so gorgeous and manly - like something out of Pirates of the Carribean. But then - wwwwaaaaaagh! I lost my balance and, instead of landing on my tummy, I landed on my knees (which really hurt without a tracksuit or anything with legs in them to offer protection) then went flying forwards.

Spud was all; `Oh yes, come to me, my darling Magenta.'

As if! My legs went up in the air and I put my arms out to stop myself landing on top of Spud, but I misjudged it and somehow both my arms AND MY HEAD ended up wedged through the springs of the trampoline. And even worse - my bum was left sticking up in the air with my stupid big knickers on show for half the year group to gawp at.

Mortified doesn't even come close!

New Year Resolutions

1) Never to speak to Daniel again - EVER!
2) Ask Tyrone Pearman to go out with me. Ha! That'll show Daniel.
3) Take a break from washing up - I mean really, my nails are all split and broken. They look like I've been trying to claw my way out of a box. And I'm sure my dad's earning enough to buy a dishwasher.
4) Be nice. I know I'm nice most of the time, but sometimes I can get a bit snappy - only at certain times, mind - if you catch my drift. So I'm going to make a really effort to be nice to everyone all the time. Except Daniel, of course - and my cousin Justine - and her grub of a brother, Holden. Oh, and Mrs Blobby at school. But, apart from that, I'm going to really nice to everybody.

Aaaaaagh! Gran has only gone and volunteered me to wash up after dinner. Talk about a clash of interests. If I'm nice to her and do it, I'll be breaking Resolution number 3, but if I stick with that, I'll be breaking number 4. What a dilemma - and it's only January 2nd!

Phew - crisis over. I told Gran I had to finish my homework before school goes back tomorrow. Now, where's my `Excuses Journal'? I need to find one for my Maths investigation that will cover me for the whole two weeks... sprained wrist?..... septic thumb nail so I couldn't hold a pen?..... food poisoning from a dodgy nut roast? Let me see - food poisoning was last used in October for Science. Yay - that's the one! So, no washing up, no homework and I didn't upset Gran so I'm still a nice person.

Am I a genius, or what?