Tuesday 29 April 2008

Monday 28 April 2008

A load of old bulls!

I know it's been a whole month since I wrote but, to be honest - I was in some godforsaken hole in Yorkshire for two of those weeks - without broadband OR mobile phone coverage (talk about the dark ages!) and it's taken me two more weeks to recover!
Let me fill you in on the holiday (ha! I thought holidays were supposed to be restful - well not this one!) First of all it took about a gazillion hours to get there along roads that were getting smaller and smaller by the mile - motorway, then dual carriageway, then single line traffic till eventually we were crawling down this track that was more mud than tarmac and Dad had to keep backing up to let other cars and tractors and lorries and even sheep go past.
Belinda was going all dewy eyed: `Oh isn't it beautiful...' (Excuse me!) and: `Smell that wonderful fresh air...' (if that air was fresh, they'd better start making air fresheners called pigs' muck!) and; `Isn't it magnificent?' (Yeah, if you like the colour green - which, if you remember my bridesmaid trauma you'll know, I DON'T!)
Anyway, we finally got to Margaret and Ed's ("Call us Grandma and Granddad" - er... NO! because you're not my grandma and granddad) and I was put in this poky little room at the top of the house with a sloping ceiling so that I banged my head if I stood up too near the window. They might not have noticed but I am slightly taller than your average 2 year old.
I spent ages trying to get reception but Ed said the only place round here was up at the top of the hill - great! What he didn't tell me was that the hill went up and down like a roller coaster, so that every time I thought I was almost there, it dipped down again and then I had an even bigger hill to climb. Ggggrrr! By the time I got to the top I was exhausted - and I still only had one bar on my phone. At least I did get through to Daniel and managed to say about three words before it broke up, so I had to go down again. Still, I thought, that won't be too bad because downhill's always easier. But when I turned round - oh my God! There was a whole herd of bulls staring straight at me! Aaaagggh!
Now as you will know, exercise of any sort is not my favourite pastime, but on this occasion, I thought running was preferable to being gored by a bull - and lucky for me I'd got my new trainers on. So I set off - but I'd only gone a few meters when the bulls started running after me - and they were faster than me. If I wasn't careful I was going to get trampled to death in a stampede. But the worst thing was, I was running downhill so I was getting faster and faster and building up so much momentum that, when I slipped in this disgusting heap of ... well I'm sure you can imagine... I couldn't stop myself. I went head over heels, tumbling over and over, gathering speed and manure like a huge stinking snowball - or, in my case - cowpat-ball - until I finally came to a halt at the bottom of the first dip. Phew! But then I heard this rumbling and the bulls were after me again. Help! I had to get up and start the whole escape thing again. It was like a recurring nightmare all the way down the hill: climb mini-hill, run down, slip in disgustingness, roll in more disgustingness, come to stop, climb up away from rampaging bulls, run down, slip in grossness again etc etc etc
Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, I'd just got the gate at the bottom of the hill looking like Manure-girl Queen of the Cowpat, when this boy (who couldn't have been much older than me) was standing there grinning like some big, stupid grinny thing: `You've brought my cows down for milking, have you? That's saved me a walk. Thanks.' Then he gave a whistle and they all came over to him. `Do you want me to walk you back to the village with the cows?' he asked, still with this smug smirk on his face.
`I can manage,' I said and walked back with as much dignity as I could muster, caked in mud and poo. The countryside is disgusting!
Anyway, I'm writing this in the library and the great pink Blob has just come in and said she wants a word with me. Oh boy! That's NEVER a good sign. I'll tell you some more tomorrow.