Monday, 22 December 2008

A very merry mistletoe to everyone!


So - it was Magnus and Angus' party on Saturday. And guess what? I'VE GOT A BOYFRIEND!!!!

It was sooooooo amazing! Of course we all thought it was going to be a rubbish party because of the olds in the attic.
I'm sure you can remember Spud's disasterous delve into the world of `events organisation' earlier this year when his pycho-sister held a party that went so out of control that Armageddon was nothing compared to the Pudmore's house that night! Well, no one wanted a repeat of that, so Magnus (the one with the brains) had not only told his parents about the party, but he'd also arranged for them to be stationed in their bedroom in case of emergency. (OK, well maybe not quite an attic, but upstairs anyway!) Of course, with Angus (the pyromaniac of the pair) as a brother, you can never take too many precautions, so it wasn't a totally fuddy duddy, nerdy decision on Magnus's part. I mean no one can blame him for wanting to leave the house standing for Christmas.

Anyway, with the adults on duty upstairs and absolutely NO candles or tea-lights for atmosphere (I refer you to Angus the pyromaniac), everyone thought it was going to be a totally lame affair, but actually, it was OK. Arlette had gone with Jac Dhillon - I mean, that's been going on for nearly a year now - and Seema was with Greg - ditto on the time factor thing. In fact, I was the only one on my own, which, when you think about it isn't surprising as I haven't had a mate to go out with for the last year because the other two have been `in relationships'. Spud and Janet Dibner are still going strong too. Well, when I say I was the only one on my own, I meant of our crowd - there were a few dorky Year 10 kids as well as the boffin brigade from our tutor group - plus me and, of course, the recently single Kara Kennedy.
I'd just got a mouthful cheese and onion sandwich when Kara sidled up to me. She was all: `You know I'm as competitive as the next girl, Magenta - so long as the prize is worth it. But, let's face it, Daniel's so immature, he's just not worth the effort. You're welcome to him.'
The twins' mum had made this fruit punch and, believe me, it too all my self control NOT to tip it over her head - but we didn't want a repeat of the Spud-fest did we, so I became the bigger person and just walked away. Any more of this bigger person stuff and they'll need to start lowering bridges!
I went into the front room where people were dancing. Jodi Plock was there in her `death becomes her' outfit - grow a life! (Get it: death/life? Oh well, I never claimed to be a comedienne - although I think I did tell Jones the Bones that was one of my ambitions - but that was several lifetimes ago.) Anyway, she was trying to flirt with Daniel something rotten. Honestly she was dancing right in front of the table where he'd set up his decks in the front room and kept looking over at him. Puke! Puke! I don't know what he ever saw in her. Actually, Daniel was playing some really good tracks and I was dancing with Hattie and Chelsea. Until Marcus Ledbetter and Floyd Sedgewick started chatting them up and I decided to butt out. Honestly, boys ruin everything. They can't even let us girls have a good time without trying to muscle in on it.
`Mind if I sit with you for a bit?' I asked Daniel. I'd gone from really enjoying myself to suddenly feeling very alone, so any port in a storm, as they say.
`Sure.' He moved along the settee where he was sitting with his headphones on, lining up the next track. Then he added, quickly, `But don't touch anything!'
Cheek! As if! `What's that for?' I asked, pointing to a little knob on this control panel that looked like the cockpit of Concorde.
`It's a sound effect. But DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!'
`Fine.' I sat with my arms folded - just so that he would see that I wasn't some stupid little toddler who was going to fiddle with everything.
Daniel pressed the button that I'd pointed to and a sound like a police siren blared out till everyone stopped dancing and started looking anxious. `Watch this,' he said, smiling. He pressed another button that made a noise like a phone ringing and about half the boys went to grab their mobiles. It was so funny. I started giggling and Daniel was laughing too. Just then, I felt something fall on my head.
`My hair!' I said. I thought someone must have popped a party popper and the streamers were messing up my hair.
But Daniel said, `It's OK. Hold still.' He reached over and, very gently, took whatever it was off my head and held it up - and guess what it was? A sprig of mistletoe! Then, without any warning, he leaned over and kissed me. Just like that - sitting on the settee in the Lyles' sitting room.
Wow! I was, like: `Daniel! What are you doing?'
And do you know what he said? `Kissing my girlfriend - is that allowed?'
I was: `Oh! My! God! You want to go out with me again?'
And he said, `Never wanted to break up in the first place.'
Then he kissed me again. And this time it went on for so long, that he forgot to mix in the next track and everything went quiet. Suddenly, the whole room was whooping and cheering at us. How romantic is that?
Of course, Kara was all: `I knew it!' And she and Jodi both stomped out of the room - but who cares - DANIEL AND I ARE AN ITEM AGAIN!
Wow - I have not stopped smiling since Saturday night.
This is so going to be the best Christmas ever.

Saturday, 20 December 2008

Festive fun?

I know, I know! It's been three months since I wrote on my blog. Arl's always on to me with stuff like: `A blog isn't coursework, you know, Madge. There's no excuse for not keeping it up to date.'
And I'm like: `It's OK for you. You don't have Godzilla on your case every day and the tutor from Hell every weekend.'
Honestly - this term has been a nightmare! Don't let anyone ever tell you that Year 11 is fun - because it's NOT! It's horrible: I hate it! All I've done since September is work, work, work. Coursework, homework, even housework! Mainly because Belinda went back to work this term and Gran says she's got no time because she looks after the baby. Now there's something to make your blood run cold - my gran looking after anything that lives and breathes. I wouldn't trust her to look after a fossilised frog, let alone my tiny little vulnerable baby sister. But Dad and Belinda seem to have taken leave of their senses - not that they had any in the first place - well, Dad didn't; although I always held out more hope for Belinda in that department. Sadly not, though. And who has to pick up the pieces of this little domestic dysfunction? Me!
I've had no social life for three months and, worse still, no love life. How sad am I? Almost sixteen (well, fifteen and four months) and I'm already a housewife. That is so NOT what I had planned for my life.
So when we finished school yesterday lunchtime, I thought I'd take the opportunity to grab some quality time with my mates down at the Filling Station before we went into town to spend some serious dosh and try and kick start the economy in a single afternoon.
But when we got to the coffee shop, who should be there sucking the face off Kara (netball knickers) Kennedy, but Daniel! Yuk! Honestly, he's been going out with her for about four months now - has he no self respect? Not that I'm remotely interested in him as a boyfriend, you understand. Been there, done that and have the emotional scars to prove it. But I do care about him - strictly on a friendship level of course.
Anyway, Seema, Arl and I decided not to hang about in the face of such grossness so we turned round to leave. But then we heard a yell from the booth where Daniel and Ms Twenty-twelve were playing tonsil hockey.
`What?' Daniel sounded shocked. `I was so NOT eyeing her up.'
`I saw you!' screamed Kara.
`How could see anything?' Daniel's voice was raised. `You were supposed to be kissing me.'
This sounded juicy, so I snuck into the booth next to them and surreptitiously pulled Seema and Arl in with me.
`I had my eyes open,' Kara said. (Which so proves that it's not passion if she keeps her eyes open.) Then she added victoriously, `And so did you. As I moved back, I caught you looking over my shoulder at her.'
Oooo - I looked round the Filling Station to see who'd come in that Daniel could have been looking over Sporty Spice's shoulder at?
I could hear Daniel's voice getting higher and higher pitched. `I'm sick of you and your petty jealousy. I didn't even notice her come in!'
`Ah ha!' Kara stood up, so I ducked down even lower behind the bench seating that separated us. `So how did you know that she had come in?' Oooops! Looked like Daniel had given himself away. `I've had enough! You can forget the Lyles' party tomorrow. I'll go on my own. We are so over, Daniel. Run home to your little Magenta!' What!!!!! I could hardly believe my ears. Then Kara leaned over the top of our seat and said to me, `You're welcome to him.' And she walked out.
Whoa! This was massive. I sat up and looked at Arl and Seema for advice. `What do I do now?' I mouthed. But they both shrugged. Oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained, as my gran always says. So I knelt up on my seat and leaned over to where Daniel was sitting, staring into his hot chocolate.
`Hi Daniel. You OK?'
But he looked up at me, groaned and said, `Haven't you caused enough trouble already?'
Cheek! And I said I cared about him as a friend? Well, you can forget that. With friends like Daniel, who needs enemies?
Anyway, on the positive side, the Dungbeetle (my geriatric tutor) has gone away for Christmas, so I don't have to go to him this morning and tonight is Angus and Magnus Lyle's party. Ooooo I can't wait. Who knows, my first Christmas present might be a new boyfriend! Now, what shall I wear?

Friday, 26 September 2008

Dosey Doh!

Why me? That's what I want to know. Why, out of all the places Jordan Lee could have taken me last Saturday (bowling, pictures, concert, pizza, skating - to name but a few), did he choose -
Yes, you heard me correctly. A barn dance! There wasn't a single other person there who was under about fifty - apart from Jordan's younger sister, who's eleven going on three - and you should have seen what they were wearing. It was like a scene from some ancient Western hoedown with everyone in checked shirts and old fashioned jeans that were higher than Simon Cowell's. Even the wrinkly old women were in denim - which is sooooooooooooo not the way to grow old gracefully.
And this geriatric on a squeeze box was calling out all these things like, `swing your partner to the left' and `dosey doe' and `strip the willow' (if I'd been Willow, I'd have been out the door at that point!) What a nightmare! I was never any good when we did Country Dancing at Primary School, and it was clear from the first figure of eight that I hadn't improved. Of course it all went predictably wrong when I went pivoting off like some out of control sputnik and crashed into Jordan's dad, who ricocheted into some old biddy in Gwen Steffani boots and there was a multiple pile up in the middle of the Gay Gordons! But at least they cancelled the rest of the dancing - phew! Although one or two people started giving me the evils about it - I mean, honestly, how was I to know the Gwen Steffani wannabe had brittle bones?
Even the food was things like sausage rolls and disgusting wobbly quiches - gross. But the saddest thing for me (apart from the fact that Jordan knew ALL the steps to EVERY dance) was that in the heat of the village hall, with his aversion to artificial deodorants, and all that gyrating and reeling and threading the needle - well, you can imagine that any hope I might have had of a snog at the end of the evening was a total non-starter. Getting up close and personal was NOT an option. I think Arlette might have been right about his personal hygiene issues.
Anyway, I've been avoiding him all week but.... oh no! He's coming into the library now. Help! Need to get off the computer and find a book shelf to hide behind - quick!

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

No brainer!

What it boils down to is a simple choice: boyfriend, or no boyfriend!
And, I'm sorry, but I come down heavily on the side of - yes, you guessed it - boyfriend!
So Jordan Lee and I are going out on Saturday! Ooooooo, and I can't wait.
I wonder where he's going to take me.....

Tuesday, 16 September 2008


OMG! Would you believe it - Jordan Lee has just asked me out! He is so gorgeous. He's a bit of a hippy. He comes in from one of the villages out of town and has this really sexy hair that's all touselled and this fabulous dimple when he smiles that makes my tummy do backflips. Wow! Am I the luckiest girl ever? You see - I knew there was nothing wrong with me really.
Of course, Arlette was soooooo jealous. She was all: `Ugh! Madge - he is so gross. How can you even think about going out with him?'
`What do you mean, gross?' The cheek of it! Just 'cos she's going out with someone who's practically still in nappies - well, Year 10, anyway. `I think he's really book.'
`But he's... he's ...dirty!' she said.
I was, like: `Durr! He's into organic vegetables and stuff. All earthy people are a bit grubby.'
`Your stepmother isn't and she's earthy,' Arl replied. `And I thought you didn't like earthy people after your stint on the farm last year?'
OK - she may have a point there - but Jordan is really cool and really gorgeous and ... although now I come to think of it, he can be a bit pungent sometimes. And actually, his fashion sense is so last century. And he does talk about crop rotation and harvesting and animal husbandry and stuff. (I didn't even know animals got married, let alone called each other husband and wife!)
So now I have a huge dilemma - do I go out with him because:
a) he's a nature lover and kind and gentle
b) he's veeeeeeeery good looking - and,
c) let's face it, if you smell of manure all the time, the aroma of a little baby-sick, isn't going to worry you too much is it?
Or, do I stay a single saddo for the rest of my life?

Monday, 15 September 2008

birthday blues and back to school misery.

Can you believe it - I'm in Year 11! And what do I get for it? Work! It's all: do your homework, do your course work, I need help with the housework. And have you noticed what they all end in? Work! Work, work, work! It's sooooo boring! There's no wonder I can't get a boyfriend.
Summer was a write off. All my friends were away for my birthday so I ended up like some saddo, going for a pizza with Dad, Belinda, Indigo, Gran and Auntie Venice. I mean, what did I look like? Madge No-mates trolling along with the relatives from Loonyville. Indigo screamed all the way through it - Belinda started breast-feeding her AT THE TABLE! Oh my God! Talk about die of embarrassment. Gran decided her anchovies were suspect and ended up picking them off her pizza and lining them up on the table so that it looked like some depressing fish mortuary. And then to make things a gazillion times worse, Dad had only gone and ordered a birthday cake - with candles on - and the waiter rang a bell so that everyone in the entire place stopped and looked at me while he waltzed in singing happy birthday and expected me to blow out the candles like some dorky toddler. It's probably slipped Dad's mind, but I am fifteen - not five! IT WAS THE WORST BIRTHDAY EVER!
And now school's not much better. We've been back a week and I've decided my life just isn't worth living. Even the gorgeous boy from the mini-mart had a girlfriend. And anyway he's going off to university next week. There are no decent boys at our school at all. They're either geeks or nerds and if they don't fit into either of those categories they're probably in a bell jar in the science lab!
I am so fed up - I HATE MY LIFE!

Monday, 18 August 2008

New talent on the block.

Happy birthday to me.
Fifteen and what do I have to show for it?
Do I have a boyfriend? No.
Am I having a party? No - all my friends are on holiday as they always are on my birthday.
Did I get nice presents? Don't even go there - my dad is averse to giving me money so I got this dorky dress that I woulnd't even put Sirius in for a fancy dress parade.
In fact, do I have a life? Answers on a postcard - NOT!
Gran's just sent me down to the mini-mart for some wrapping paper for my own present - how pathetic is that.
Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Check out the new boy at the the mini-mart. He is soooooooooooooo gorgeous. And I swear, he smiled at me.
OK - what else do we need. Maybe this birthday isn't going to be so bad after all.