New talent on the block.

Happy birthday to me.

Fifteen and what do I have to show for it?

Do I have a boyfriend? No.

Am I having a party? No - all my friends are on holiday as they always are on my birthday.

Did I get nice presents? Don't even go there - my dad is averse to giving me money so I got this dorky dress that I woulnd't even put Sirius in for a fancy dress parade.

In fact, do I have a life? Answers on a postcard - NOT!

Gran's just sent me down to the mini-mart for some wrapping paper for my own present - how pathetic is that.

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Check out the new boy at the the mini-mart. He is soooooooooooooo gorgeous. And I swear, he smiled at me.

OK - what else do we need. Maybe this birthday isn't going to be so bad after all.

Spot the (accidental) mistake!

My life is not worth living !

1) I have no boyfriend,

2) I have no hope of getting a boyfriend, because

3) I am hideously ugly!

Now you might think that this is not true and, to be perfectly honest, I would've agreed with you a few months ago. But now!!!!! OMG! First of all let me refer you to my previous blog about having had no sleep and always smelling of my little sister's sick but then add to that a zit the size of Everest right between my eyes, together with the pus-ridden foothills of the Himalayas spreading across my nose and forehead, and you have a vision of grotesqueness that no boy will go within a million miles of. I mean what's the point of getting rid of my brace and glasses only to be inflicted with skin like the surface of the moon?

Belinda was all: `What goes around comes around, Magenta.' Grrr! Just because I made a few comments about Spud's acne the other day she seems to think that this is some sort of Karma: like a biblical plague foisted on me to teach me a lesson. Well, I've learned it - OK! I will never be nasty about Spud again - or anyone else. I promise!

Oh my days! Janet Dibner and Spud have just walked past going to Daniels and you should see what she's ..... No! I will not go there. I will be strong and keep all my thoughts positive ones. I will be nice to everybody from now on.

`Hi Janet! Love your top. My Gran's got one just like it.'

Oooooh no! Now she's crying on Spud's shoulder.

Daniel's out on his balcony waiting for them: `Don't be so horrible, Magenta. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.'

I sooooo did not mean it to come out like that. But it's true - Gran has got one just like it. And now everyone thinks I'm a bitch, and even worse, Spud's put his own spin on it: `Don't worry, Janet, I think you look lovely. Madge is just jealous. She's never got over the fact that I finished with her.....'

The cheek of it! Can you believe it?

So I'm not only boyfriendless and ugly - I'm totally misunderstood too.

And now Indigo's crying again. I might as well put my life on hold and become a full time nanny and end up like one of those women in grey uniforms with humungous bosoms and flat shoes who mash up bananas and talk about potty training all day long.

Lacking a boyfriend

Oh my god! Daniel's only going out with Kara Kennedy - again!

And who am I going out with? No one! Seema's going out with Geeky Greg, Arl's going out with Jac Dhillon, Spud's going out with Janet Dibner (I know, it took me ages to get my head round that one) and I AM TOTALLY LACKING IN THE BOYFRIEND DEPARTMENT!

And, what's even worse is, I'm starting to think it might be me.

Holiday hell

What is the worst thing about having a baby sister? Hmmmm - let me see, could it be:

a) the sleepless nights because she's teething? or

b) the permanent smell of eau de vomit on my clothes? or

c) the digustingly gross nappy bucket that my super eco-friendly stepmother keeps her enviromentally politically correct towelling nappies in - IN THE KITCHEN!!!!! Eeeewww! or

d) the fact that my dad has a better social life than I do because he has a resident baby-sitter (i.e. Me!) so I never go out and never see anyone and we can't even go away on holiday because Belinda's still on maternity leave and Dad's business isn't doing very well and babies cost sooooooooo much - durr - have they forgotten they've got TWO daughters and teenagers cost money too. But do I get a look in? Ohhh, no! And how am I ever going to find another boyfriend when I can never go out because I'm always looking after Indigo and smelling of sick?

Life is so unfair!

Of course Daniel and his mum and stepdad went away to Portugal for two weeks. They came back the day before yesterday and he looks like he's been veneered in mahogany. Honestly - doesn't he know that he'll end up looking like a prune with skin cancer by the time he's twenty if he gets as brown as that.

Arlette was all: `Oooooo, Daniel, you've got a gorgeous tan.'

And Mr Slime said: `Thanks, Arlette. I tan really easily - even though I was slapping the factor 20 on like emulsion paint.' (To really hear what he sounded like you should read that bit in a stupid high pitched voice like a soprano mosquito.)

But of course Arl fell for his silver tongued smarm. She's so gullible.

Then to make things worse, I was just walking Indigo to the park (Belinda needed an afternoon nap - doesn't she think I might need some time off too?) when who should I see on the tennis courts but Daniel, Magnus Lyle, Carly Meekin - and Kara Kennedy (the psycho sports-bitch from hell who did her best to ruin my relationship with Daniel last year) playing mixed doubles together!!!!! Can you believe it? And no guesses for who was partnering Dan Dan Tanfastic-man. Well, she's welcome to him. I am so over him he's just a grain of sand on the desert of my memory.

Hold on a sec.... that sounds like my memory's a desert: barren and devoid of life. No, no, no - that's not what I meant. What I meant was.... oh, never mind. Who cares anyway? I am destined to be a lonely, boyfriendless old maid for ever.

Ooooooo, wait a minute. That boy standing by the tea room looks a bit gorge. Maybe I should do my caring big sis act and get Indigo an ice cream.

Oh great! She's just puked all down me!! So, home it is then. I was so much better off as an only child.