Choices.

OMG! Would you believe it - Jordan Lee has just asked me out! He is so gorgeous. He's a bit of a hippy. He comes in from one of the villages out of town and has this really sexy hair that's all touselled and this fabulous dimple when he smiles that makes my tummy do backflips. Wow! Am I the luckiest girl ever? You see - I knew there was nothing wrong with me really.

Of course, Arlette was soooooo jealous. She was all: `Ugh! Madge - he is so gross. How can you even think about going out with him?'

`What do you mean, gross?' The cheek of it! Just 'cos she's going out with someone who's practically still in nappies - well, Year 10, anyway. `I think he's really book.'

`But he's... he's ...dirty!' she said.

I was, like: `Durr! He's into organic vegetables and stuff. All earthy people are a bit grubby.'

`Your stepmother isn't and she's earthy,' Arl replied. `And I thought you didn't like earthy people after your stint on the farm last year?'

OK - she may have a point there - but Jordan is really cool and really gorgeous and ... although now I come to think of it, he can be a bit pungent sometimes. And actually, his fashion sense is so last century. And he does talk about crop rotation and harvesting and animal husbandry and stuff. (I didn't even know animals got married, let alone called each other husband and wife!)

So now I have a huge dilemma - do I go out with him because:

a) he's a nature lover and kind and gentle

b) he's veeeeeeeery good looking - and,

c) let's face it, if you smell of manure all the time, the aroma of a little baby-sick, isn't going to worry you too much is it?

Or, do I stay a single saddo for the rest of my life?

birthday blues and back to school misery.

Can you believe it - I'm in Year 11! And what do I get for it? Work! It's all: do your homework, do your course work, I need help with the housework. And have you noticed what they all end in? Work! Work, work, work! It's sooooo boring! There's no wonder I can't get a boyfriend.

Summer was a write off. All my friends were away for my birthday so I ended up like some saddo, going for a pizza with Dad, Belinda, Indigo, Gran and Auntie Venice. I mean, what did I look like? Madge No-mates trolling along with the relatives from Loonyville. Indigo screamed all the way through it - Belinda started breast-feeding her AT THE TABLE! Oh my God! Talk about die of embarrassment. Gran decided her anchovies were suspect and ended up picking them off her pizza and lining them up on the table so that it looked like some depressing fish mortuary. And then to make things a gazillion times worse, Dad had only gone and ordered a birthday cake - with candles on - and the waiter rang a bell so that everyone in the entire place stopped and looked at me while he waltzed in singing happy birthday and expected me to blow out the candles like some dorky toddler. It's probably slipped Dad's mind, but I am fifteen - not five! IT WAS THE WORST BIRTHDAY EVER!

And now school's not much better. We've been back a week and I've decided my life just isn't worth living. Even the gorgeous boy from the mini-mart had a girlfriend. And anyway he's going off to university next week. There are no decent boys at our school at all. They're either geeks or nerds and if they don't fit into either of those categories they're probably in a bell jar in the science lab!

I am so fed up - I HATE MY LIFE!

New talent on the block.

Happy birthday to me.

Fifteen and what do I have to show for it?

Do I have a boyfriend? No.

Am I having a party? No - all my friends are on holiday as they always are on my birthday.

Did I get nice presents? Don't even go there - my dad is averse to giving me money so I got this dorky dress that I woulnd't even put Sirius in for a fancy dress parade.

In fact, do I have a life? Answers on a postcard - NOT!

Gran's just sent me down to the mini-mart for some wrapping paper for my own present - how pathetic is that.

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Check out the new boy at the the mini-mart. He is soooooooooooooo gorgeous. And I swear, he smiled at me.

OK - what else do we need. Maybe this birthday isn't going to be so bad after all.

Spot the (accidental) mistake!

My life is not worth living !

1) I have no boyfriend,

2) I have no hope of getting a boyfriend, because

3) I am hideously ugly!

Now you might think that this is not true and, to be perfectly honest, I would've agreed with you a few months ago. But now!!!!! OMG! First of all let me refer you to my previous blog about having had no sleep and always smelling of my little sister's sick but then add to that a zit the size of Everest right between my eyes, together with the pus-ridden foothills of the Himalayas spreading across my nose and forehead, and you have a vision of grotesqueness that no boy will go within a million miles of. I mean what's the point of getting rid of my brace and glasses only to be inflicted with skin like the surface of the moon?

Belinda was all: `What goes around comes around, Magenta.' Grrr! Just because I made a few comments about Spud's acne the other day she seems to think that this is some sort of Karma: like a biblical plague foisted on me to teach me a lesson. Well, I've learned it - OK! I will never be nasty about Spud again - or anyone else. I promise!

Oh my days! Janet Dibner and Spud have just walked past going to Daniels and you should see what she's ..... No! I will not go there. I will be strong and keep all my thoughts positive ones. I will be nice to everybody from now on.

`Hi Janet! Love your top. My Gran's got one just like it.'

Oooooh no! Now she's crying on Spud's shoulder.

Daniel's out on his balcony waiting for them: `Don't be so horrible, Magenta. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.'

I sooooo did not mean it to come out like that. But it's true - Gran has got one just like it. And now everyone thinks I'm a bitch, and even worse, Spud's put his own spin on it: `Don't worry, Janet, I think you look lovely. Madge is just jealous. She's never got over the fact that I finished with her.....'

The cheek of it! Can you believe it?

So I'm not only boyfriendless and ugly - I'm totally misunderstood too.

And now Indigo's crying again. I might as well put my life on hold and become a full time nanny and end up like one of those women in grey uniforms with humungous bosoms and flat shoes who mash up bananas and talk about potty training all day long.

Lacking a boyfriend

Oh my god! Daniel's only going out with Kara Kennedy - again!

And who am I going out with? No one! Seema's going out with Geeky Greg, Arl's going out with Jac Dhillon, Spud's going out with Janet Dibner (I know, it took me ages to get my head round that one) and I AM TOTALLY LACKING IN THE BOYFRIEND DEPARTMENT!

And, what's even worse is, I'm starting to think it might be me.

Holiday hell

What is the worst thing about having a baby sister? Hmmmm - let me see, could it be:

a) the sleepless nights because she's teething? or

b) the permanent smell of eau de vomit on my clothes? or

c) the digustingly gross nappy bucket that my super eco-friendly stepmother keeps her enviromentally politically correct towelling nappies in - IN THE KITCHEN!!!!! Eeeewww! or

d) the fact that my dad has a better social life than I do because he has a resident baby-sitter (i.e. Me!) so I never go out and never see anyone and we can't even go away on holiday because Belinda's still on maternity leave and Dad's business isn't doing very well and babies cost sooooooooo much - durr - have they forgotten they've got TWO daughters and teenagers cost money too. But do I get a look in? Ohhh, no! And how am I ever going to find another boyfriend when I can never go out because I'm always looking after Indigo and smelling of sick?

Life is so unfair!

Of course Daniel and his mum and stepdad went away to Portugal for two weeks. They came back the day before yesterday and he looks like he's been veneered in mahogany. Honestly - doesn't he know that he'll end up looking like a prune with skin cancer by the time he's twenty if he gets as brown as that.

Arlette was all: `Oooooo, Daniel, you've got a gorgeous tan.'

And Mr Slime said: `Thanks, Arlette. I tan really easily - even though I was slapping the factor 20 on like emulsion paint.' (To really hear what he sounded like you should read that bit in a stupid high pitched voice like a soprano mosquito.)

But of course Arl fell for his silver tongued smarm. She's so gullible.

Then to make things worse, I was just walking Indigo to the park (Belinda needed an afternoon nap - doesn't she think I might need some time off too?) when who should I see on the tennis courts but Daniel, Magnus Lyle, Carly Meekin - and Kara Kennedy (the psycho sports-bitch from hell who did her best to ruin my relationship with Daniel last year) playing mixed doubles together!!!!! Can you believe it? And no guesses for who was partnering Dan Dan Tanfastic-man. Well, she's welcome to him. I am so over him he's just a grain of sand on the desert of my memory.

Hold on a sec.... that sounds like my memory's a desert: barren and devoid of life. No, no, no - that's not what I meant. What I meant was.... oh, never mind. Who cares anyway? I am destined to be a lonely, boyfriendless old maid for ever.

Ooooooo, wait a minute. That boy standing by the tea room looks a bit gorge. Maybe I should do my caring big sis act and get Indigo an ice cream.

Oh great! She's just puked all down me!! So, home it is then. I was so much better off as an only child.

Life is a load of manure.

OK - that's it! Daniel and I are over - DEFO!

Not only have I spent the last two weeks up to my neck in pigs' muck and clucking chickens and sheep with all sorts of disgusting things crawling over them and goats that seem to delight in butting me in the butt and the creepiest creep this side of Creepyville telling me what to do like some yokel-ified Adolf Hitler but, when I got home aching and tired and stinking of all-of-the-above and just needed the love and affection of my boyfriend - did I get it? I don't think so!

What did Daniel do? He went on and on and on ............ about some girl at his work placement. "Oh, you should've seen Sally..." `Sally was so funny today..." "Wow, Sal is so cool..." Sal? SAL! Every day he was like that. Ggggrrrr!

In the end I'd had enough.

`You know what, Daniel? If Sally is sooooooooo fantastic, why don't you just go out with her?' And I stormed off out of his room, across the balcony and home.

I tried to phone Seema for some sympathy but she was full of her work experience. I mean, let's face it, how can even a boffin like Seema expect me to get excited about a few old test tubes? Get real! And Arl was apparently `too tired to talk'! Durr! How did she think I felt? So that was it; my friends had deserted me; my boyfriend was lusting after some other girl and all I had for comfort was the fragrance of pig poo and a bruised bottom where Billy the Kid had used me for target practice.

Life is so unfair!